Go, Go, Go Go!

Had a wonderful night with Mr. Chase. We went to see with my parents. Its one of our favorites, Mr. chase had not seen it so it was fun. Not as awkward as it cold have been. Enjoyed getting out of the house and away from things for a few brief moments.

Sometimes

These Are My Confessions

Contrary to popular belief. I am NOT an idiot.

Why do I say this? Night before last I received and email from the OTHER Woman Girl -its not really fair to call her a woman because she’s 20, and let’s face it she’s still pretty young- I have to say it is one of the most interesting emails I have ever received in my life. This girl felt the need to express her concern to me about Mr. Chase “playing” both of us for fools. Now, getting an email like this is never a fun experience and Mr. Chase was actually sitting next to me while I read it, holding my hand. Everything she said in the email I already knew but seeing things from her point of view was interesting. And a little scary.

She told me that since she couldn’t get a straight answer from Mr. Chase about our (his and mine) relationship, she decided to find out what I had to say. How did she go about this? She looked me up on Facebook to read my posts and even went as far as reading THIS blog to get her answers. (Facebook has now been set to private, Thank You very much) She then felt the need to tell me that when asked point-blank Mr. Chase told her that we were “just friends, and that she was more WAY more important to him.” Now ladies and gentlemen I will be the first to admit to not being the most secure woman in the world and to be embarrassingly honest her saying this to me hurt BUT as I mentioned Mr. Chase was sitting there reading the email with me and he had a chance to explain himself basically he swears he never said anything remotely close to that.

I knew all along that Mr. Chase was seeing the two of us at the same time we had not said we were exclusive and with how often this other girl called (3-4 times) and texted him (sometimes 20-40 times a night) I knew something was up but since we were not exclusive I did not feel like I could or should say anything about it. I mean really, he was WITH me not her so I felt pretty secure in my standing as being

That said, after this email had been sent this girl felt the need to “break up” with Mr. Chase for a 3^rd or 4^th time. I’m not sure which. (She chickened out and Mr. Chase had to “break up” with her in the end… again.) Mr. Chase made me completely aware of what was going on between the two of them and like I said he was spending the majority of his time with me so I wasn’t too worried. However, I do have a bit of a jealous bone, yeah I think its parallel to my femur.

(10 points if you understand that reference- the femur is the largest bone in the body, ha ha ha)

So I will admit to being a little annoyed and jealous of this girl. Why? Because I am selfish and really just want Mr. Chase to myself, granted I have to share him with Daisy but that’s different.

After this last breakup Mr. Chase and I agreed that dating one another “exclusively” was probably a good idea. If we want to see other people we will check with the other person first and no kissing anyone else. I am his girlfriend and he is my boyfriend and seeing as I have only been interested in seeing Mr. Chase for a while now I am more than happy with this agreement.

At the end of the email this girl told me that if I wanted Mr. Chase I could have him, but she probably wouldn't stop seeing him.

Drama

oh yeah. I went there.

Don't Worry

{I stole this from one of my favorite blogs.}

Sometimes when things look the darkest we have to remember that it is darkest before the dawn and we have to just have to:

Just remember you can DO it!

The Good

Today- being Sunday meant that it was time to go to Church. To be honest I have never been a huge fan of going to Church. When you add my aversion to going to church and fact that I have an almost two year old that does not believe in being reverent or holding still for a prolonged period of time {unless she's watching The Wizard of Oz} does not equal a happy day/good experience for me. That said.

Today. Church. Was. Awesome!

Mr. Chase being the wonderful man he is came to church with us today. He was Amazing (which is the word I use to describe him pretty much all the time) he even brought a little bag of Coco Roo's in his pocket to help keep Daisy entertained and more manageable. I was able to actually listen to the speakers today and follow along with what was being said. I can't remember the last time that happened! When Daisy got a little too fussy he was the one that took her out into the hall to calm down and when they returned she was pretty good. He did such a good job of wrangling her throughout the meeting and about fifteen minutes into the meeting he leaned over to me with a big smile on his face as he watched Daisy quietly play on one end of the pew, "Do you realize how blessed you are?" he asked. And as I sat there enjoying the quiet moment, my heart swelled and tears actually rose in my eyes I had to take a deep breath. I am incredibly blessed thank you for reminding me Mr. Chase.

Make My Day

I was just checking my Facebook page before heading to bed and I noticed I had a message.

It was from Mr. Chase's mom.

She told me how much she enjoyed meeting Daisy and me and that she thought Mr. Chase and I were a good match. How sweet is that?!

Totally. Made. My. Day!

Important People

Last night my stomach was in knots and yet I was incredibly excited. Mr. Chase, Daisy and I were heading to Ogden to meet up with my best friend, her sister, and her two kids. Was Mr. Chase worried about meeting my best friend? Well he didn't seem to be. As we were heading down to Ogden (which for those of you that don't know- is about an hour from Logan) Mr. Chase asked if it would be okay if his Mom came to dinner too.

So Yeah. What was I supposed to say? NO, your mom is NOT allowed to come? Really? Come on. Truth be told after the initial wanting to puke my guts out nervousness wore off I was kind of excited and folks let me just say. Mr. Chase's mom was amazing! Not only was she gorgeous but she was friendly, nice and just an all around great person: someone I would enjoy spending time with and could see myself becoming friends with. {i'm crossing my fingers}

When my best friend showed up with her sister and two kids in tow, things were a little awkward for a little bit but things settled down and after they relaxed and the food arrived things were good we chatted a little bit and soon it was time to say goodbye. (My best friend's sister was wanting to get home to see her boyfriend.) So we took Mr. Chase's mom back to her home and Daisy played with Mr. Chase's basset hound, Ernie. She adored him and thought he was the bees knees.

I had so much fun. It was great to get to see my best friend and meeting Mr. Chase's mom was not as traumatic as I was afraid it was going to be, it was actually pretty great. The drive home was so fun, we sang along with the radio at the top of our lungs while Daisy slept in the back. It was GREAT!!!

Family

family: a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head

I think I have a more fluid definition of what family is:

I do not belong to a typical family Attypical is more appropriate.

As a single mother, living on my own whilst attending school- my concept of family is probably different than most. MY Family not only includes the usual suspects {parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins} but it also includes those people in my life that are there for me when I need them. I have been incredibly blessed by the people that God has seen fit to place in my life at the right times. People that have touched my heart and life forever. People that when asked who they are calling them friend just doesn't seem enough. These people fall into my definition of Family.

I Love You Just the Way You Are, Now Change

I like you just the way you are…now change.

Have you ever had one of those conversations where you know no matter what you say you’re going to end up being wrong?

Mr. Chase and I had such a conversation last night. Topic? My weight. I cringe at the just the thought of replaying this conversation in my head again. Ugh. Granted it was my own fault, I mentioned that since we have began dating I have lost about fifteen pounds and we’ll just say the conversation hit the inevitable downward spiral that eventually lead to both of us feeling bad, him for feeling like he had said the wrong thing and me wishing I had never brought it up in the first place.

{I have been relatively the same size since my freshman year of high school. I gained quite a bit of weight after I got married due to the birth control that I was on and when I got pregnant (after being off the aforementioned birth control for a whole year) I lost all the weight I had gained plus 20 lbs. that’s right folks I LosT weight while pregnant! So after having Daisy and getting divorced I have done a pretty good job of keeping the weight off but alas after another bought with a different birth control to help regulate things, I put some of the weight back on and now its time to get rid of it.}

Poor Mr. Chase was asking me questions about my weight-loss and that led to the "Well, how much do you plan on loosing?" question. This is a scary question to me. Why? Because actually setting a goal for this area of my life is frightening. What happens if I can't do it? What if I can? What if I set the bar too high? What if I set the bar too low? How do I go about this? And the questions go on and on.

But its time to suck it up and do something about this stupid fear. I am going to say to ALL of my blog readers. That I am GOING to loose another 25 pounds by the time I graduate (May) I think that seems reasonable and that's not expecting great and miraculous things to magically happen. This can be a gradual thing and that's okay.

PS. Mr Chase told me that he can tell that I've lost some weight. Which is always nice to hear. :)

Somebody Kill Me Please

Well Mr. Chase messed up BIG time.

Things just seems to be a bit off tonight... again. He thought I was holding back and or annoyed with him. I wasn't. Just exhausted from my oh so exciting "vacation". It was great to see all the fam but I just wanted my own bed and someone to kiss me goodnight, is that really too much to ask!? But I digress.

Since school starts tomorrow (for him- my classes are Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday) Mr. Chase had to be home by 10pm. (self imposed curfew- which is funny because his new work schedule has him working till 10pm now :( )

As Mr. Chase was preparing to leave, he was checking his messages and saying goodbye at the same time - he looked up to say goodbye and HE CALLED ME THE WRONG NAME!!! Now I am not stupid and I am completely aware that other girls text him and he even writes back to them! he realized what he did and didn't try to cover it up in fact his next words were, oh man I just majorly screwed up right? I couldn't say anything. He walked over to me to kiss me goodbye and I wanted to melt into the wood panelling I was so crushed. He noticed my hesitation and kissed my forhead then walked out to get Grace's car seat out of his truck.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is where I lost it.

There really wasn't anything I could do about it, the tears came. I knew it was stupid, I knew that it was just an honest slip, I knew/know that Mr. Chase "really really really really likes me" (yes that's 4 really's) but I couldn't stop them as much as I wanted to I couldn't convince my eyes to shut off. I was horrified because I knew he was coming back in just a moment. I took a deep breath and whipped the tears away from my eyes and since I was stupid enough to put mascara on before Mr. Chase came over I was ...

BUSTED.

He asked me (and used my correct name) what was wrong and I just tried to play it off like it was nothing which really bothered him. He said THIS is what the problem is, you're not talking to me Em. (Oh sure, NOW he remembers my name!) I asked him what he wanted me to say and we went back and forth a for a few minutes and with nothing resolved other than the desire to see each other again and he went home.

We chatted when he got home and discussed what was REALLY going on the weirdness, I admitted to not knowing where I stood with him and confessed that the way he talks to me sometimes is like riding a carousel I feel like he says one thing then the next loop around he takes it back.

i.e. Tonight he told me,

how much he had missed me last night

but now that I was home it didn't seem like I was gone that long

I gave him a few examples from our recent conversations and explained why it bothered me. I told him that I never knew if I was supposed to take what he said at face value or wait for the disclaimer to quickly follow.

Mr. Chase apologized and stated that now he knew what the problem was he would fix it. It was then time for bed so we said our once again fond goodbyes he crawled in bed and I decided to write this blog before crashing myself.

I got a text a moment ago from him "that girl that just told me how she felt and what was really bothering her is the one I'm attracted to"

Who knew that all the drama avoidance I have been trying to do is what lead to all this havoc in the first place!? I'm looking forward to seeing Mr. Chase again... Until Next Time....

The Agony

I know I have done a post about pet names already but I need to say something about it again, because the search for my pet name continues. I have recently been called everything from Toots, Sweetheart, Sweets and my new favorite Luv. Its funny, as Mr. Chase continues to try to find a name for me I am completely content calling him Dear or Mr. Chase but listening to him trying to figure out which term of endearment to call me always makes my heart flutter a bit. I just spent the last 8 minutes saying goodnight to a very sleepy Mr. Chase. He called -more asleep than awake- to tell me that he missed me, could hardly wait to see me tomorrow and say goodnight.

Its been more than 38 WHOLE hours since I have actually seen Mr. Chase now... pure torture, let me tell you. Its been HELL...Or maybe that was just being stuck in a truck in close quarters with my stinky little brother (AkA Superman)? Okay so the 3.5+ hour ride to Rexburg to go to the Brooke White concert @ BYWoo-Idaho with my father, mother, Daisy and Superman really wasn't all that bad. We broke into random comedy routines, played hand games with Daisy and sang showtunes for the majority of the ride up. Mr. Chase texted me periodically throughout the day to let me know he was missing me (collective smitten sigh) and I even got to talk to him prior to the concert.

The concert. WAS. AMAZING! Brooke sang for nearly 2 hours. She sounded great the crowd of about 1,300 people LOVED her and the show was pretty awesome. Sang all her greatest songs and although the ONE song {smile} I wanted her to sing she didn't she made up for it by completely blowing Let It Be, Use Somebody, Rhianna & You're So Vain totally out of the water (strangely all cover songs) I however think my favorite song of the night was a song I have heard her sing several times live -and since I own several copies of the album- I have heard it probably 100+ times, but hearing the song tonight it was like the light finally came on. I finally got what it was saying.

Can we have an honest conversation

Underneath the surface where we've been stayin'?

Where it's comfortable, where we play it safe

And we try so hard not to make mistakes

Spend a lot of time but I don't really know you

Think we've reached a point where I wanna show you

Who I really am, what I think about

What makes me smile, what brings me down, oh

I guess I feel some hesitation

Before we say those words

Sometimes love is an empty invitation

Sometimes love is a word that's used in vain

Sometimes love is just something that people say everyday

And I don't want it that way

[ Brooke White Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]

We've both been in situations

Where we woke up at a revelation

But a little voice said it wouldn't last

Hey don't walk away, leave it in the past, oh

We wrestle with the reservations

Now we're finding it hard to say those words

Sometimes love is an empty invitation

Sometimes love is a word that's used in vain

Sometimes love is just something that people say everyday

And I don't want it that way, and I don't want it that way

Sometimes love is an open invitation

Sometimes love is a word that heals the pain

Sometimes love is more than just something that people say everyday

And I want you that way, oh, oh love, well I want you that way

Ambein Induced Tyraid

As my title mentions I am currently under the influence of that magical sleep aid known as Ambein. I love ambein, it really does the job and before I get past the point of no return to tonight I wanted to write down a recent conversation I had with Mr. Chase.

Mr. Chase is yet again out of town visiting with family and friends for the night and I will be heading out of town before he returns, so I can go visiting with family and friends for the weekend. Essentailly Mr. Chase and myself will not be seeing each other for nearly 3 whole days. To be completely honest I think he is more worried about this than me because he has called me 3 or 5 times today just to chat and let me know that he is missing Daisy and myself. (Pause for collective sigh, yes isn't that sweet of him? -Speaking of Sweet, he has found my pet name to be one of two things, I am either Sweetheart or Sweets.- )

We have had quite the myriad of strange discussions today. One that I deamed worthy of MLIA and submitted to have posted, if it gets up on the site I will definitly link up to it but in the mean while another discussion lays heavy on my mind. We were talking while Daisy watched Lady and the Tramp (that seems poetic) and Mr. Chase said those three words that every girl longs to hear. I was stunned. Flabergasted really, we had talked about how many people he had said that too and he said one, that was not family. So I was knock-over-able with a feather at that point good thing I was laying down. I asked him to repeat himself and he did saying it again but following it up with a line that took all the warm fuzzy feelings away, "Well its not like I'm IN love with you, its still too soon for that right?" and then the phone disconnected.

As with many of my recent posts i will end by saying. I"M SO CONFUSeD!!!

Billy Shakespeare

Shakespeare he is not but entertaining yes!

Mr. Chase spent the evening Rapping to me...

Yes, you heard that right.

Rapping.

More to come later.

DTR

Mr. Chase and I had a DTR last night.

(He started it not me)

We talked for the better part of an hour.

I still have no idea where we stand.

???

Patience

I must confess that patience is not at the top of the list of virtues I possess. In fact is probably not even on the list. I am not a patient person. There I said it and my father always tell me that admitting you have a problem is the first step to repentance.

However, I'm not trying to repent for this sin. I know better than to ask for patience - because that always leads to your patience being tested- to quite honest with you, with everything I have on my plate right now, which I feel like is a lot {applications for graduation, getting through my final semester, dealing with my nearly two year old cutting 4 teeth @ once, a new relationship, family, friend and the usual chaos that is my life} I just don't think I can handle many more tests of my patience. I KNOW I am not a patient person I KNOW I should try harder to be better but really there's only so much a person can take!

Perspective

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how a persons perspective can really make a difference.

My great grandmother used to love it when her grandchildren would come play and after they would leave she would not wash their hand prints off the windows for months. A little reminder of the happiness and cherished moments of their visit. I am desperately trying to have the additude that Daisy is only going to be this old once. That I should cherish the moments because soon they will be gone so whenever I feel like all my glass surfaces are covered in sticky smudgy handprints I think of great grandma and it reminds me to cherish the moment.

Theme Song for the Moment?

Now we ALL know I adore Daisy but sometimes I channel Miss Hannigan and sing this song to her as I'm changing her diaper or combing her hair. She thinks its absolutely hilarious and she claps for me when I do the big finish.

One day I'll land in the the nuthouse, with all the nuts and the squirrels!

PS. I am an idiot. I should have known why she's been so dreadful lately.
The uber grouchiness, the biting EVERYTHING, the diaper rash.
I'm an idiot.
She's cutting teeth.

Two Thirty

I don't think I have ever been happier to wake up @ two thirty via text message.

just thinking of you

followed by a late night conversation on facebook

I'm so weird.

"That is NOT how I saw this night going."

As Mr. Chase, Daisy (I have been told that referring to my daughter as My Little Monster is not very nice- although tonight, she aptly earned the title) and I were driving home from dinner Mr. Chase declared dejectedly, "That is NOT how I saw this night going."

Mr. Chase called me on his way back into town from spending the holiday with his family. (Yeah, Happy New Year's to me) He called and asked if he could please take us out for dinner. I told him that sounded like a wonderful plan and would look forward to seeing him. We were just leaving my parents house, my mom gave Daisy and I haircuts Daisy got bangs and I feel like my hair is SOOO short, though in reality I finally got a real haircut not just a trim. It looks great and I KNOW it looks great but it feels soooo short :( So we hurried home, me with the vain hopes of getting home in time to style my new mop, and whaddya know Daisy fell asleep on the ride back into town and Mr. Chase pulled into my driveway right in front of me. He smiled at me and I hurried in to do the quick change and put some make up on while he moved his truck so we could take the car with the sleeping Daisy in it. So we went in search of somewhere OPEN to have dinner, third time was the charm Sushi won.

Daisy woke up as we pulled into the parking lot. She smiled and was excited to see Mr. Chase but as soon as we got into the restaurant it was a different story. No one could do anything right by her, she didn't want to sit in the high chair, she didn't want to color, she didn't want to sit in my lap, she didn't want to do anything except scream at me. The wait staff was incredibly kind and helpful, I was horrified she rarely throws tantrums like that at all let alone out in public. She insisted on being in my arms up and walking around the restaurant. Mr. Chase tried to entertain her but that only made her scream louder. I know she was just tired but her actions were getting out of control. After nearly thirty minutes of on and off fit throwing -I mean if you even looked at her the wrong way she would wail- she finally settled down.

So much for a fun dinner out. Maybe just maybe since she was so tired she would go to bed when we got back to my place? She and I went through her bedtime ritual and did all that we do. She said goodnight to Mr. Chase and gave us both big kisses and laid down. SUCESS!? Mr. Chase and I settled down on the couches ready to watch the movies we rented the night of the Red Light incident, ten minutes into the movie... MOMMY! I was going to let her cry for a few minutes, she was so tired already... MOMMY and it turned into screams, she had crawled 3/4 of the way out of bed and got stuck. She refused to sit and watch the movie, she refused to do anything except scream, pull hair, or do anything where the attention was not 100% focused on her.

I gave up. Mr. Chase gave up. The only person not completely exhausted by all of this? Daisy. I decided that the only way any of us were going to get any peace was a car ride. Mr. Chase politely declined the excursion and opted to go home, I was slightly dissapointed but if there was any way I could have gotten out of having to deal with this kid that didn't know when to quit I would have jumped at it as well!

I tossed Daisy into her carseat while Mr. Chase salted my sidewalk, the ice was treacherous. I ran back inside to grab my cell phone and Mr. Chase bid me a fond farewell and as he gave me a quick hug he told me he loved my short hair.

Now Daisy and I did a large loop around town with the heater all the way up and she was almost out as we pulled back into the driveway. As soon as the cold Cache Valley air hit her she was wide awake again. I nearly cried. We went through the bedtime ritual again, she refused, screamed for 10 minutes and finally gave up.

Tonight definitely did NOT go as planned.